Lord, sometimes i feel that I am always looked over
Today, I’m going to:
To better understand your plan
That I will will not pity myself as You hold me in Your hand
How many times in life do you feel as you if you’ve bee looked over, that people see you just as another dandelion in a field of thousands?
Sometimes we feel hurt when someone else got picked for the job, as if someone else is always chosen because they have more charisma. We hurt when we are in a room of people and nobody notices.
It is sometimes difficult to see these things as anything other than they are; a looming hurt that just won’t go away as we continue to feel like the one not noticed.
Yet, where is our faith? How do we even begin to look at ourselves an our lives’ plan? Where is God in this and why does He not intervene?
Faith is a tricky thing at first and the more that we discipline ourselves to trusting Our loving Creator, the more that we can draw from the relationship that we are building with Him.
It is like this: when you meet a new friend, you automatically don’t trust this person with much, but as you get to know them more, you see the kindness in their heart, how much you enjoy their company and slowly allow them into your lives; hearts that become vulnerable, allowing the trust to grow.
So it is with God. When we newly begin a relationship with Him, trust is not our first instinct. In time we begin trusting Him, we don’t even know what faith is (except the definition in the dictionary). That itself is the essence of faith, to jump from the unknown to set our hope on something unseen.
This trust and faith is pivotal in understanding the beauty of God’s love and who we are; who He created us to be. if the creator of all of Heaven and earth loves you with the unconditional and unending love that He has with you,
Matt 17:20 If you have faith so small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain move from here to there and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.
I want to share a memory of a time I had with the Lord. It was the day after Valentine’s Day, I believe. Valentine’s Day had been especially hard on me that year. Not because this was my first year without my husband, but because I stood alone with my children on that day while around me, families went to the front of the church up to the altar for a family a blessing.
My kids were everywhere but with me and I honestly just did not want to proceed, but I felt God prompting me to go for the family blessing that all families were receiving with their children, parents and grandparents. I found it so difficult.. I was torn in shame and failure at having finally given up the fight to save my marriage.
As I walked up alone, I was fighting tears and my heart felt defeated and isolated; abandoned. I was given some love, understanding and a blessing from my pastors. But I longed for the day when my family would stand whole with me. Healed. Whole. Loving God by choice. Choosing to be together. To this day, I am choking back tears at the thought of that. It seems so far and so unreachable. Yet I hang on to a well-worn thread of hope. A thread that is frayed and bares too much weight for it’s thin countenance to carry. Yet I cling to it.
The next evening, I visited the church for our ladies’ ministry evening. Always a favourite time of the week for me to attend. The hoopah was still standing in the church (a traditional Hebrew tent that was sometimes used for weddings – otherwise known as the tent of covenants). I felt drawn towards this special place as if God was personally calling me to come and sit with Him underneath this covenant tent. As I stared at it with the bruise of the previous day’s events on my heart. I did not want to go. As much as I did not want to approach it and enter the day before, even more so did I not want to enter that day.
I stared and walked around the sanctuary while praising God, my heart so in love with Him even though I was avoiding the place that I knew He wanted me to be. The sanctuary was filled with sweet praises as we all lost ourselves in the sweetness of loving our dear Father’s presence. I felt Him around me beckoning me and drawing me to the place I had hurt in so much the day before.
Reluctantly and like a petulant child I went to my Father. Even as I approached, the tears were welling. I was full of self pity, full of hurt, full of the feelings that I usually buried but that were way too close to the service for my emotional comfort. I was tired of the isolation. Tired of the loneliness. Tired of the ever-present battles in my life that I fought alone. No support. No friends. No parent to reach out to. No miracle in my life to help me through the little things. No miracles in my life to help me through the big things. And yet I always had a sense of God’s presence and love. I just wanted a break. I just needed some love. Desperate for either, for both, for anything to remind me that I was precious, valued, here for a reason.
The hoopah was against the window wall and I crawled to it and laid down in the corner, just asking God to comfort my soul as I praised Him the best that I could. Still the waves of abandonment and rejection, hopelessness and despair were washing over me. Yet I sat there in obedience.
I started to feel safer there; that I did not have to feel what I felt the day before and it brought me peace. I felt a warmth – His warmth there with me and I relaxed. I started to feel the breeze of His spirit surrounding me and I smiled. Awestruck by His faithfulness; awestruck by His love for me, as insignificant and worthless as I felt, He was making sure that I knew that He loved me. Humbled by my own lack of faith and His grace, I sat in amazement. I praised Him in joy, feeling His arms surround me. I laid there for a while in a sleepy joy and started to drift away, but He had other plans for me.
In my spirit I saw an angel standing right before me. We were in another place. I was lying in the same position that I had been on, yet I was now on a bed in a cluttered room and this exquisite angel was before me with wings and garments of gold. I had never imagined garments of gold on an angel and that, coupled with His excessive size, was a surprise to me. He was friendly enough but silent. He stood before me and there was an overwhelming sense of purpose about him. I looked at him wondering at the whole situation and started to thank God for sending him to bless me with the gift of seeing him. I was caught up in this moment of worshiping God and an overwhelming sense of warmth came over me.. like I was suddenly in a toasty warm place. He was pouring oil out of a small clay vial over me and smiling. I was truly overwhelmed! I was so grateful as this feeling brimmed up within me.. filling me to overflowing. The joy was overwhelming as my heart filled with such peace, joy, thankfulness and sense of incredible love from my Father. I basked in it, letting it fill me. Letting it spill over me. Every inch of my being saturated in this feeling. I thanked God. I thanked the angel for serving God and for serving me from God’s ordinance. I praised. I worshiped. I loved Him.
The angel drew closer to me and put his hands in front of his face as if to drink water from them and he started to blow from his hands to have his breath fall over me. This part is difficult to describe, but all I can say is that there was a sweet, shimmering, brilliant dust that came from his hands and sprinkled over me covering me in my resting place. Truly I was in awe and to this day, I do not know the significance of that beautiful powder landing all over me. It covered me until I was glowing from head to toe. The joy within me was immeasurable. I was beside myself and captivated by my joy and thankfulness. I felt my sense of undeserved grace but knew that I was so in need of this blessing that I just sat and received. One of the most beautiful moments of my life, to say the least.
The angel stood before me but walked a bit away from me through a doorway, inviting me to come with him. I followed him and saw him then preparing a table. He laid out the plates, the forks and the knives. It was a very simple and almost rough-looking wooden table as you would expect to see in a simple cottage in the woods. He set every chair just so. Every plate just so. All in its place to his meticulous satisfaction.
He pulled a chair out in invitation for me to sit at the table. There was no one else there, but some started to appear in garments of the ancient days. I had a feeling that I was sitting with some of the people of the bible that I had come to love so much over the years, yet we did not speak. There was a sense to me that I was waiting for something. And then the words “His banner over me is love”. My anticipation heightened and I heard murmuring. building and building. Now like a rumbling. Like the approaching of many horses, it built and built and then I heard it. A whisper, but clear as day, the anticipation covering me with chill bumps as I heard them say “the bridegroom is coming, the bridegroom is coming… the bridegroom is coming!!!”
And then it was gone. I sat in awe. I am awed to this day when I think of it.
I just wanted to share a memory of a time I had with the Lord. It was the day after Valentine’s Day, I believe. Valentine’s Day had been especially hard on me that year. Not because I was not in love, but because I stood alone with my children on that day while around me, families went to the front of the church under the hoopah for a blessing. My kids were everywhere but with me and I honestly just did not want to proceed, but I felt God prompting me to go for the family blessing that all families were receiving with their families as I walked up alone. Yes, I was fighting tears and yes, my heart felt defeated and isolated; abandoned. I was given some love, understanding and a blessing from my pastors. But I longed for the day when my family would stand whole with me…
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Overwhelmed by His grace
That loved me as I sinned
Overwhelmed by His arms
That He’s lifted me within
Moved by His presence
His mercy so surrounds me
Moved by His glory
His omnipotence astounds me
Amazed in just knowing
He loved me first
When I didn’t know Him
My salvation; His thirst
Touched by His sacrifice
His only begotten’s life
Touched by His forethought
His compassion so rife
Altered by His patience
He sees in me what I don’t
Altered by His strength
That sustains me when I won’t
Overtaken by His beauty
His heart, His love, His hand
Overtaken by His mercy
Too much to understand
I am simply…
Lord.. The struggles in my life loom over me and block my path to getting through my day
Today I’m going to…
Know that faith as tiny as a seed
Is enough to spark God’s power, however great my need
Our mountains are so different than each others’, but they are always impossible looking, defeat-invoking and completely intimidating. I saw my mountains looming right in the middle of my pathways in life for years before I was able to even believe that God could help me move them. It is just so much easier looking to stay down in the muck at the base of that mountain than to begin climbing what appears to be an impassable climb.
Mustard seeds… of all of the things that could have been told would be enough to clear us of the mountains in our life, God teaches us that it is just a little faith, as tiny as the seed of the mustard plant that will move these struggles. “Pray for more faith”, Jesus teaches us. As we pray, believing that God is able, the struggles of our lives don’t loom over us as heavily and eventually their enormity be ones much less of the scary size it started. Faith strengthens us to have the eyes that God wants us to see through. Plant that mustard seed of faith within yourself and water it with the Word of God. Let His strength is waiting to be used through your faith.
Matthew 17:20 He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”
This morning I woke up. The sun was bright in my face through the window… calling me to welcome the day. I smiled and I stretched, knowing that I had a few minutes to embrace this beautiful spring day, no usual week-day hurry. I thanked God for the morning, for the alone, quiet moment. For the love that was filling me. For getting me through an especially difficult week that was painful and raw. For healing me of hurts that were still there from my marriage… showing me that they were there and then holding my hand as I worked through them. For the peace that replaced the pain. For the hope that replaced the defeat. For the beauty that replaced the despondency. For His truth that replaced the lies of my own self image. For the smiles that replace the hurting heart.
As I started my day, I got dressed properly.
I decided, as usual to put on the whole armour of God.
I put on the belt of truth.. I have come to know that circumstances, situations and appearances often are not the truth of God’s way for us.. that what looks impossible to us really may only be improbable and even so, if it is His will, it will be done. That these situations, circumstances and appearances exist for only one reason.. and that is to take our eyes off of God. I want only His truth..
I put on the breastplate of righteousness. I know not what righteousness is for it is foreign to my nature and to my thinking. But as I press into God, as I hunger to know Him more, as I strive to become more Christ-like, HIS righteousness becomes evident in me. Still very lacking, still with much to learn and attain, but it is there. Not by my own strength, but by His grace.
I carry with me the gospel of peace. I want nothing more than to be a light for the Kingdom of Heaven. To draw God’s hurting children into His love… To carry this peace so that there will be with me a taste of He who has created me that others may see and know that their Creator in Heaven is calling them and is real.
I carry the shield of faith with me. Just a mustard seed of faith for I know that this is enough to move the mountains of hurt, the mountains of impossibilities, the mountains of obstacles in our lives. It is enough to be planted and bare fruit. It is enough to bare so much that it can be spread… allowing many seeds of faith to be shared with others as He grows this fruit, nourishing it, tending it, nurturing it.
I wear on my feet readiness. I pray that I am ready for and given doors of opportunity to be a comfort the broken-hearted for His name’s sake. To be given ministry opportunities to share His love, His healing, His anointing. I pray for God-ordained encounters, that I will be there for His will, whatever that is.
I put on myself the helmet of salvation. This helmet reminds me of what He has given me. Salvation that I did not, do not and won’t ever deserve. Reminds me that He loved me first… I did not love Him and yet He gave His son as an atoning sacrifice for MY sin. I am humbled as I remember this. I wear this helmet to protect my mind from the lies of the life’s hard moments that leave me feeling defeated. To know and walk in the fact that I have not been given a spirit of fear, but a spirit of Love, of Power and of a Sound, Clear mind.
I carry with me the sword of the spirit which is the Word of God. I know the power of this… Think of it.. “the Word of God is living and powerful and sharper than a two-edged sword that pierces everything it touches” and … “if you abide in Me and My word abides in you, you will ask whatever you desire and it will be given”. I understand that there is a reality that we are a part of.. that exists around us and with us that we do not typically feel, hear or see. There is evil fighting against you and the Word of God is the weapon that slashes down the enemy’s plans. Read it. Learn it. Understand it. Live it. Use it. It is God’s gift to us.
I remembered after putting all of this on that “No weapon formed against us shall prosper and every tongue that rises against us shall be condemned. For this is the heritage of the servants of the Lord and their righteousness is from Me says the Lord”.
I was not fully dressed yet and continued on…
I put on the garments of praise. Whatever heaviness in spirit that I had disappeared as I worshiped and praised the Holy name of God. I prayed a sweet-smelling incense go up to His throne as I called out His name.. I prayed that all would see His glory, that all would taste of His beautiful and indescribable love.. that all would taste and see how good He is.. that every knee would bow and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord (it will be so, but I pray that all will choose this sooner than later), I prayed for His delight, I worshipped Him for the beauty of His love, for giving me what I do not deserve and am humbled to receive. I praised Him for all of His ways.
I covered myself in the oil of joy. I learned a while ago that the joy of the Lord is my strength… that delighting Him was all that I need to make it through the hardest moments. But I learned that in return, He gives me joy and peace that are far beyond my understanding.. that this is not a peace that the world knows, but a peace in my spirit, in the very depth of who I am that cannot be effected by life, by circumstances, by situations. I walk in joy at the thought of His love for me. In the thought that He delights in me and sings over me. In knowing that He has a plan and a purpose for me, and that He wants to prosper me and not harm me, He has given me hope for my future, that He wants me to call upon Him and He will listen, that I will seek Him and find Him when I seek with all of my heart.
I then took the crown of beauty that He has given me. Beauty of spirit, beauty of countenance, beauty of being. I wanted to put it on, yet, I will not wear any crown before my King. I give it back to Him in joy and pray that it is an acceptable sacrifice before Him.
And so I begin my day 🙂