Lord, sometimes i feel that I am always looked over
Today, I’m going to:
To better understand your plan
That I will will not pity myself as You hold me in Your hand
How many times in life do you feel as you if you’ve bee looked over, that people see you just as another dandelion in a field of thousands?
Sometimes we feel hurt when someone else got picked for the job, as if someone else is always chosen because they have more charisma. We hurt when we are in a room of people and nobody notices.
It is sometimes difficult to see these things as anything other than they are; a looming hurt that just won’t go away as we continue to feel like the one not noticed.
Yet, where is our faith? How do we even begin to look at ourselves an our lives’ plan? Where is God in this and why does He not intervene?
Faith is a tricky thing at first and the more that we discipline ourselves to trusting Our loving Creator, the more that we can draw from the relationship that we are building with Him.
It is like this: when you meet a new friend, you automatically don’t trust this person with much, but as you get to know them more, you see the kindness in their heart, how much you enjoy their company and slowly allow them into your lives; hearts that become vulnerable, allowing the trust to grow.
So it is with God. When we newly begin a relationship with Him, trust is not our first instinct. In time we begin trusting Him, we don’t even know what faith is (except the definition in the dictionary). That itself is the essence of faith, to jump from the unknown to set our hope on something unseen.
This trust and faith is pivotal in understanding the beauty of God’s love and who we are; who He created us to be. if the creator of all of Heaven and earth loves you with the unconditional and unending love that He has with you,
Matt 17:20 If you have faith so small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain move from here to there and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.
I want to share a memory of a time I had with the Lord. It was the day after Valentine’s Day, I believe. Valentine’s Day had been especially hard on me that year. Not because this was my first year without my husband, but because I stood alone with my children on that day while around me, families went to the front of the church up to the altar for a family a blessing.
My kids were everywhere but with me and I honestly just did not want to proceed, but I felt God prompting me to go for the family blessing that all families were receiving with their children, parents and grandparents. I found it so difficult.. I was torn in shame and failure at having finally given up the fight to save my marriage.
As I walked up alone, I was fighting tears and my heart felt defeated and isolated; abandoned. I was given some love, understanding and a blessing from my pastors. But I longed for the day when my family would stand whole with me. Healed. Whole. Loving God by choice. Choosing to be together. To this day, I am choking back tears at the thought of that. It seems so far and so unreachable. Yet I hang on to a well-worn thread of hope. A thread that is frayed and bares too much weight for it’s thin countenance to carry. Yet I cling to it.
The next evening, I visited the church for our ladies’ ministry evening. Always a favourite time of the week for me to attend. The hoopah was still standing in the church (a traditional Hebrew tent that was sometimes used for weddings – otherwise known as the tent of covenants). I felt drawn towards this special place as if God was personally calling me to come and sit with Him underneath this covenant tent. As I stared at it with the bruise of the previous day’s events on my heart. I did not want to go. As much as I did not want to approach it and enter the day before, even more so did I not want to enter that day.
I stared and walked around the sanctuary while praising God, my heart so in love with Him even though I was avoiding the place that I knew He wanted me to be. The sanctuary was filled with sweet praises as we all lost ourselves in the sweetness of loving our dear Father’s presence. I felt Him around me beckoning me and drawing me to the place I had hurt in so much the day before.
Reluctantly and like a petulant child I went to my Father. Even as I approached, the tears were welling. I was full of self pity, full of hurt, full of the feelings that I usually buried but that were way too close to the service for my emotional comfort. I was tired of the isolation. Tired of the loneliness. Tired of the ever-present battles in my life that I fought alone. No support. No friends. No parent to reach out to. No miracle in my life to help me through the little things. No miracles in my life to help me through the big things. And yet I always had a sense of God’s presence and love. I just wanted a break. I just needed some love. Desperate for either, for both, for anything to remind me that I was precious, valued, here for a reason.
The hoopah was against the window wall and I crawled to it and laid down in the corner, just asking God to comfort my soul as I praised Him the best that I could. Still the waves of abandonment and rejection, hopelessness and despair were washing over me. Yet I sat there in obedience.
I started to feel safer there; that I did not have to feel what I felt the day before and it brought me peace. I felt a warmth – His warmth there with me and I relaxed. I started to feel the breeze of His spirit surrounding me and I smiled. Awestruck by His faithfulness; awestruck by His love for me, as insignificant and worthless as I felt, He was making sure that I knew that He loved me. Humbled by my own lack of faith and His grace, I sat in amazement. I praised Him in joy, feeling His arms surround me. I laid there for a while in a sleepy joy and started to drift away, but He had other plans for me.
In my spirit I saw an angel standing right before me. We were in another place. I was lying in the same position that I had been on, yet I was now on a bed in a cluttered room and this exquisite angel was before me with wings and garments of gold. I had never imagined garments of gold on an angel and that, coupled with His excessive size, was a surprise to me. He was friendly enough but silent. He stood before me and there was an overwhelming sense of purpose about him. I looked at him wondering at the whole situation and started to thank God for sending him to bless me with the gift of seeing him. I was caught up in this moment of worshiping God and an overwhelming sense of warmth came over me.. like I was suddenly in a toasty warm place. He was pouring oil out of a small clay vial over me and smiling. I was truly overwhelmed! I was so grateful as this feeling brimmed up within me.. filling me to overflowing. The joy was overwhelming as my heart filled with such peace, joy, thankfulness and sense of incredible love from my Father. I basked in it, letting it fill me. Letting it spill over me. Every inch of my being saturated in this feeling. I thanked God. I thanked the angel for serving God and for serving me from God’s ordinance. I praised. I worshiped. I loved Him.
The angel drew closer to me and put his hands in front of his face as if to drink water from them and he started to blow from his hands to have his breath fall over me. This part is difficult to describe, but all I can say is that there was a sweet, shimmering, brilliant dust that came from his hands and sprinkled over me covering me in my resting place. Truly I was in awe and to this day, I do not know the significance of that beautiful powder landing all over me. It covered me until I was glowing from head to toe. The joy within me was immeasurable. I was beside myself and captivated by my joy and thankfulness. I felt my sense of undeserved grace but knew that I was so in need of this blessing that I just sat and received. One of the most beautiful moments of my life, to say the least.
The angel stood before me but walked a bit away from me through a doorway, inviting me to come with him. I followed him and saw him then preparing a table. He laid out the plates, the forks and the knives. It was a very simple and almost rough-looking wooden table as you would expect to see in a simple cottage in the woods. He set every chair just so. Every plate just so. All in its place to his meticulous satisfaction.
He pulled a chair out in invitation for me to sit at the table. There was no one else there, but some started to appear in garments of the ancient days. I had a feeling that I was sitting with some of the people of the bible that I had come to love so much over the years, yet we did not speak. There was a sense to me that I was waiting for something. And then the words “His banner over me is love”. My anticipation heightened and I heard murmuring. building and building. Now like a rumbling. Like the approaching of many horses, it built and built and then I heard it. A whisper, but clear as day, the anticipation covering me with chill bumps as I heard them say “the bridegroom is coming, the bridegroom is coming… the bridegroom is coming!!!”
And then it was gone. I sat in awe. I am awed to this day when I think of it.
I just wanted to share a memory of a time I had with the Lord. It was the day after Valentine’s Day, I believe. Valentine’s Day had been especially hard on me that year. Not because I was not in love, but because I stood alone with my children on that day while around me, families went to the front of the church under the hoopah for a blessing. My kids were everywhere but with me and I honestly just did not want to proceed, but I felt God prompting me to go for the family blessing that all families were receiving with their families as I walked up alone. Yes, I was fighting tears and yes, my heart felt defeated and isolated; abandoned. I was given some love, understanding and a blessing from my pastors. But I longed for the day when my family would stand whole with me…
When was the last time you felt empowered? No, I don’t mean at some “Yes, I Can” rally or while you were at the gym burning calories and such like. I’m referring to feeling empowered while going through a divorce or after you’ve lost your job, or even while grieving the suicidal death of a child/loved one. Often in life, we are faced with different/difficult circumstances. With every up and every down, our choices can either move us forward or cause us to become stagnant, which ultimately leads to our demise (emotionally, mentally, etc). Hay and Kessler are impressing upon us the notion of moving forward and how that can be done in a healthy way, in their collaborative work – “You Can Heal Your Heart.”
Only through Your grace and love, shall I ever live
Feeling ill, whether acutely ill for a short time or chronically ill, is devastating. The effects can dig deeply into our being, eroding our spirit, etching ugly scars into our heart and defeating us to the point of deep, dark depression.
It is easy to question God when it comes to illness. As I have suffered chronic illness for years, I have always believed in what Jesus spoke at the end saying “it is finished”. Those three words to me supported all that He had taught his disciples about healing, teaching, faith, love, God and everything else.
We are told that “by His stripes we are healed”. So why, then, do we not always heal? Why is it that I still have the illness that has since compiled itself into other chronic illnesses.
And then I just understood. By His stripes I am healed. In this time of my illness, I have drawn closer to God than I ever would have drawn had life kept going along as it was. Comfortable for the most part, health wise.
In my illness, I have needed God. God has patiently worked with me on my spirit. I have eliminated things that offended God, that hurt my own life. I have believed more and more. I have been striving to share His love, to gently allow others to see the love He gives me in my life. My life is His testimony of overcoming to becoming the person He has planned for me to be all along. I have far to go, but I now see that the healing is not always as we picture it, but rather as He has planned.
Ps 103:3who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases
Lord, the waiting is so very hard.. please help me through this
Today I’m going to:
Close my eyes and see You touching me
Help me to be patient as my faith can grow in You
Waiting. We wait for answers. We wait for miracles. We wait for the right person. We wait for courage. We wait for faith. We wait and we wait. It almost seems against our human nature to wait, and yet we must.
We ask God why we have to wait. I am a very impatient person by nature and wait is a four-letter word to me. I don’t like it. Sorry – I didn’t like it, until I came to see the richness that God has blessed me with in waiting.
Waiting is truly God’s way of allowing us to choose to hone our faith, to draw closer to Him, to grow our trust in Him.
Waiting is our time to be able to thank God. “For what”, my impatience says. For the beauty of the growth that God blesses me with as I have waited out so many difficult circumstances in my life.
I like to refer to our little friend the caterpillar quite a bit and so I will again. It is in waiting that the beauty and magic happens.
As the little caterpillar struggles, fights and cries his way to get loose from his prison, his wings gather the strength they will need to carry the weight of his body to soar above the earth in wonder. Any sooner than when God breaks Him loose and the little guy would parish.
So it is with us. Our spirit, feeling imprisoned as it is made to wait, gains the gift of long-suffering. “Gift?” you ask. Gift. In this time of waiting and suffering, our needy and weak-feeling spirit reaches in the dark to our Creator. Reaches through the strife to find the hand of Him who will hold us through eternity. Reaches and grows.
He is always waiting for us there.
Isaiah 40:31but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
**So many of my WP friends are going through difficult times. I pray for you all and know that the Lord is with you. Today’s devotional was inspired by Michelle Marie, who together with Jeanne Marie are very special people, indeed. Please join me in praying for her family as they are facing a difficult time of waiting.