Tag Archives: addiction

Helpless to Help

Helpless to Help

Lord.. I want so much to help, but nothing I do is making a difference. What can I do to help this person?

Today I’m going to…

Ask You Lord to show me how to pray

I ‘ll know Your love is stronger than mine, and Your plan is the way

photo by Easter Ellen

 

There are times in life where a friend, family member or loved one chooses a path of self-destruction. This is not only difficult to watch, but often we dedicate ourselves to saving this person, trying in multiple ways, sometimes for years, to help this person.

 

God tells us again and again that He is the creator of our days and plans our lives down to the last second and hair on our head. When we see a loved one drowning in self destruction, Jesus tells us to love them, despite how frustrating it can be to watch them. To love them unconditionally. Through our love, we speak more volumes than all of the help they are resisting can, as they resist it.

When we reach out and continue to stand by in their lives with love, they are given the rope to the anchor of God’s love, which will heal them when they are ready. Yours is to plant the seeds and nurture with love, God’s is to transform the seed, in its time, into a towering oak tree that will loom in majesty blessing others.

 

Psalm 139

You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.

Mothers’ Day Healing

Mothers’ Day Healing..

 

From the The Healing Place (a continuation)

I need to write this. I have been unable to write today because this is all that I can think about. My heart is aching and perhaps writing this will help. I recently posted about my eldest daughter. She is so very lost. A drug addict who will do anything for what she needs. In The Healing Place, I spoke about the journey, watching her helplessly as she spiralled downwards and how terrible it was to be so incapable to make her change her choices.

I had a busy weekend (hence no posts), however yesterday, being Mother’s Day, I reposted a poem that I wrote for my mom in my teens, just because she keeps it framed on her dresser and that means a lot to me.

 

My beloved took me out for breakfast as we did a bit of last-minute shopping for his birthday, which was also yesterday. As we were driving home, he startled me saying “there’s your daughter! I just saw your daughter”. He pulled over, I stuck my head out the window and saw a remnant of the person that she used to be staggering along the street towards us.

 

She saw the car and started to cry out “help me, please help me!” She hadn’t recognized me or the car. When she finally did, she ran to us saying “Mommy, mommy.. please help me! I lost my wallet, I need money I lost everything I need help, can you give me $40?”. One run-on string of words begging for money. She remembered at some point that it was Mothers’ Day and said that my gift was in her wallet and she needed “to find it, can you give me, please can you give me $40 I really need it, you don’t understand, I had your gift in there… “

 

At this point I came to realize that there was no wallet, that it was just about money (seems like it would be obvious, but it wasn’t, to me). It is not easy to see your own child in such a place. We got out of the car and looked for the wallet that wasn’t there.

 

Not finding it after ten minutes, we offered to drive her home (she does not live with us). “No, no, no.. I just need to find my wallet, please can you just give me the money, look at those earrings I bought you years ago, don’t you know how much I love you? Don’t you know I’d do anything for you?” I knew what she was thinking. I didn’t have any cash on me, so I started to take off my earrings and give them to her. My boyfriend told me not to, that she would just pawn them, but she had already snatched them out of my hand.

 

She said that she would give them back. I begged her not to pawn them. Seeing that I’d given them to her, my boyfriend pulled $40 out of his wallet and gave it to her and said to please give my earrings back. She grabbed the money saying “thank you, thank you, thank you”, but the earrings remained in her back pocket. We were both stunned. She had given me  the earring that I wear every single day as a gift about eight years ago, before she was as bad off as she is now.

 

Her smell of sweat, rancid clothes that needed washing, oily perspiration from needing a fix, filled the car. She stood outside the car and then took off. He told me to follow her and get my earrings back. He said I’d never see them again.

 

She rushed over to a store, but even before I had caught up, the store owner was yelling at her to get out. She came back to the car and my boyfriend threatened to call the police. He raised his voice at her, she gave one back. I pleaded, she stood stubbornly.

 

I prayed to God. “Why, why have I bumped into her like this today, on Mothers’ Day?” “Lord, What is it that You want to show me, teach me, do for her?”

 

I spoke to her telling her that these are the only things that I have that are a piece of her and that they mean the world to me. She stood stubbornly, but then just gave me the other earring and took off.

 

She called me several times that evening, but I didn’t answer. I couldn’t.

 

I had to see. I had to see who she is in truth without any veils of remembering who she was. Without remembering the pain of the beautiful little girl that would shine in every crowd, that spoke so very early, that would give me anything, that would do anything for me.

 

I can’t believe in the past. I must see the present so that I can pray for who she is, not was. To pray for God has planned for her, instead of what my own hope has been. I only can pray into God’s will for her and nothing else.

The Healing Place (2013)

Daily Prompt: A Mystery Wrapped in an Enigma

 

The Healing Place

 

Some things are hard to talk about.  Some things seem impossible.  It is those things that are buried so deeply in pain that even the thought of them can bring tears.  These are the things that we need to talk about.  These are the things that we need to have healing from.  These are the things that we need to bring to God.

I have said this before, but for those of you that are newer followers/readers of my blog, I will say it again.. I started this blog with a promise to myself and God that I would be brutally honest and talk about the hard things that hurt the most.  I believe that if something I write, although painful to talk about or share can touch even one person so that they don’t feel alone in a similar situation, then it is worth the pain and effort of sharing.

So here I go, baring my soul again.

 

today 2080

 

Old Photos 122

 

My daughter, who is my first-born and an angel to my spirit, is a drug addict.  Not just a casual smoke-up here and there user, but a serious addict that is so caught up in that world that it has almost completely changed the wonderful child that I have known and loved the past twentyy-three years.

 

It started when she was twelve – I think as a game from someone else that she loved who kept her quiet by giving her marijuana.  It was not fine, it was not good and caused the family tremendous stress.  Quickly the addiction grew as I sought out medical help, help from the school boards, help from psychologists, psychiatrists, church, rehabilitation centres (which I put her in three times) and any other desperate plea I could think of to stop this road to hell that she was spiralling down.

 

Although I was a single mother, most of my time and effort were spent on her to “fix” the problem, at the very high cost of not giving enough attention to my other three children and even losing days at work as I chased down different professionals in hopes of helping her stop.

 

The family suffered.  As the years went on, she was completely reckless.  She would take any combination of whatever she could get her hands on and it was a very desperate situation.  More than a few times, I had to call an ambulance.  More than a few times, the police came to try to stop her violent behaviour towards her siblings and often towards me.  The children lived in this volatile situation which caused them fear, stress, anxiety and dealing with my own depression as I was not able to do anything to stop this tidal wave of destruction.

 

Many times friends counselled me to “kick her out of the home”.  What a harsh thing to think about doing to a sixteen-year-old child who despite her behaviour, had so little life skills that there was no way, in good conscience that I could do that.  I could never have lived with myself if anything had happened to her.  By the time she was 18, her addictions had escalated further and her behaviour was more destructive than ever. She was coming and going at all hours of the day and night and nothing at all could stop her.  My poor kids… going to school, they were waking up all hours of the night from her violent outbursts, her bringing strangers into her room at any time of the day or night.  I finally was ready to do what needed to be done by this time.

 

This is the girl who cried with me every afternoon after watching “Touched by an Angel”; who cared for me in every way when I was sick with kidney infections, stones, etc; she came to church with me; she prayed with me; she cared deeply and compassionately for others as slowly this part of her was being eaten by her consuming hunger to be high every moment of her waking life.

 

I watched her destroy herself and the family.  Finally, just after she turned twenty years old, I took the courage and told her that she had to leave.  It was not only heart-breaking, but it was also a hell that I did not expect.  My sons, who at the time were 16 & 17, were steadfast and there for me.  She even went to the extent of phoning the police on me to say that I was crazy as I wanted her to leave.  The police were there no more than ten minutes before they saw through her attempt to turn the tables.  It was so, so sad.  My heart has never hurt me as much as it did when these days were passing.  A part of me died as she left me.  I still had faith in her healing, but I had such strong hope that she would be healed at home and that it would never come to her leaving.

 

Was the lesson mine to learn?  Was this for her good, for my good, the family’s?  Any way that I look at it, I only see a family destroyed and try to hang on to the hope that I have always had.

 

When she left, I had hoped that she would bring herself to detox.  I had given her thirty days before leaving to do so.  I promised her that if she did that, she could stay and that I would continue to support her in every way possible.  The day that she left, I reminded her that I had been begging her to not let it come to the day of making her leave and that I had wanted her to go for help and she just said “f you”.

 

So there is the hard part of this story.  There is some light, although it may still be far away at the end of this road.  For these things I am so thankful. She is worse now than ever and I hear terrible stories of what she does to get drugs – I cannot even type the words, but use the worst of your imagination.

 

I still have held tight to faith and believe that she is healed as soon as she decides to see that God is still standing beside her with His arms wide open waiting for her to just open her eyes.

 

I still see glimmers of the sweet, thoughtful child that stole my heart before she was born.

 

I still believe with all of my heart that God is bigger, God is stronger, God is more able than I (we) could ever imagine.

 

I still love her with all of my heart.

 

  • Thank you for reading.  This was very hard to share, but if it touched you in some way, I would love to hear

 

 

  • Easter Ellen

 

 

Over and Over

Over and Over

Lord, Why do I keep doing what I don’t want to do, over and over again, when my desire is to follow Your ways?

Today I’m going to;

Decide not to hurt my spirit again

I’ll say a prayer, I’ll praise Your name and win in Jesus’ name

Photo by Easter Ellen

How many times have you resolved to not do a certain thing over and over and over again in your life? Quitting a bad habit is something we often fail at many times before we succeed. In having overcome some bad habits, (while still working on others), I speak with continued effort on this challenge. I don’t limit my bad habits to being that of only actions, but they can be a repeated thought, whether a bitterness, a rage, a hatred, a self-pity, a lustfulness, an addiction… I could go on and on.

 

I have found that the more quickly I turn to God to seek His comfort, His wisdom and His peace, the stronger I am to be able to resist temptation. God’s word gives us peace and power. The peace He gives us is complete, it is whole; it is refreshing to our entire being and it is reviving to our strength. You may need to turn to God several times a day (or even several times an hour) as you maintain the determination to overcome, but He is there for you each and EVERY time.

 

John 6:68

Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.”